WH4T DO YOU W4NT ME TO DO M1CH3LLE?

M1CHELLE D3SSLER: I just want you to do your job, Tony.

YOU M1GHT W4NT TO H4VE A LOOK 4T TH1S, RY4N...

G3ORGE M4SON: I dug up another report on J4Ck. I think we could really nail him to the wall on this one. Then maybe we can focus on what's really important around here: protocol and chain of command...

"Kiefer Sutherland interrupted fast-fingered acoustic ax man Michael Daves during a gig at the Rockwood Music Hall in Lower Manhattan this week, according to the New York Post. Daves took the heckling in stride, saying, "I'll take that as a compliment." Which only made Jack Bauer escalate because, you know, that's what he does: "You motherfucker, you're the man!" Recognizing Sutherland, Daves returned fire, saying, "No, you're the man." They finally made peace, reportedly screaming together in unison to the crowd, "We are the men!"

RY4N CH4PPELLE: Well, george, that is certainly some s4lt. th4nks for bringing this to my attention. and i agree, protocol should be priority 1, finding this rogue lick priority 2. maybe if we can get rid of j4ck we can finally set the record straight around here about that.

(turns away, stops, looks back)

Hey george, maybe when all this is over we can get an apartment together...

J4CK B4UER: I knew it...you guys have been swapping the s4lt!!

YOUR N3TWORKS BEEN S4LTED

... ...... 1........ .0.0... .. . ..0.....1 1 1.... 00..................1. .0.0.0. .........101.....1............ ..00......... ...1.0.0.............1......000.0............. ..... .. .....................11...0.....1. 0 .....1..1.....0.....1..00...... ..1.01........00....0.....1.. ....0.1.1.......00.111.....0..1.........01000........0..1.. 0 ...... 0.1......0.1.1.1........00. ..1.........01...0...11.........11...0....1..00.... .1...1.........00.......0. ..1......1.1..0... ....01..... ..11...0..... 1 .....0.......11..... 00.......... 0.1.... 0. . 1. .. . .0......... ..1......00 .1..... . ..0 1..1.11...... . ...1.1..00 ........0....10.......01.0...0.... .1....1.1.1...... ..1.....0 ..... ...... 1. 00. ...0..... ....1. ..... 1 1 .......0.. ... . ... 1. ......11.....00.... . ..0..1....00 0. .. 11............0. . .....1.....111... .....1..1.1 .....1..... 0 00......0..... 1.....0.00......1........011........1 .... 00 ....... 0.10.........0... .11............ 1 1 0.... . ...1... . . .....01.001. .0 ..... . 01....0 .. ....1 ..... .1...00... ..... 110. .... . . ..11...0..... ...0......1.... ........1.1.0.........1000............... 0...101 .0.. ..1 .. ....0.11.. .00..... . .... 0 .1....00....... .....011.... 0..... . 01...0. . . . ..0.1110 .. 0.....0100. . . .01.. . . . .0...... ..11 . 0... 00 ..111........ 1 ....0.... . . 11. . 1 ...0..... .1.. ... 00..11........0. 1.. . . ....0...1.01... ....00.1. .......0.11.. . ......001 . ......0...11 . ..0.....1.00.. . . 0......1....0..... . 1.00 .. . ...0.1..... . .. 110 . . 00. ...1......0..11. ..... .000. .1 ... . 0. .....1........01....0101....... .... .. .. ...... . ...... .. .......... ...

TONY OCE4N: Damnit! Chloe I need you get this s4lt out of the network. Get Edgar to help you if necessary. We can't afford to have this downtime right now.

J4CK B4UER: Damnit Nina! What didn't you warn us about this?! You've got your damn deal, now talk!!!

C4N YOU ST3P 1NTO MY OFF1CE PLE4SE, J4CK?

RY4N CH4PPELLE: J4CK, look at this report that just came across my desk:

Sutherland, whose notorious for his drunken antics, started the night out quite calmly, according to bystanders! "He was initially soft-spoken, mellow and pleasant. He was ordering Maker's Mark whiskey cocktails and was even posing for some pictures." It wasn't until a number of drinks later when another bar patron made a comment to Kiefer, which caused the TV star to fly off the handle. The two started pushing each other back and forth until Sutherland's friends stepped in to calm the poor alky down, the National Enquirer reports. Kiefer apologized profusely for his poor judgement, even leaving a $20 tip for the trouble he caused, although a witness pointed out, "…he was so wasted, he flung the bill and it landed nowhere near the bar."

Can you explain this J4CK? I certainly don't know how to explain it to division.

J4CK B4UER: Damnit Ryan, we don't have time for this right now! Just let me do my job so we can get to these rogue s4lts and disarm them before millions are people are killed.

S4LTS OF M4SS D3STRUCT1ON

N1NA MY3RS: You've managed to foil several sodium strikes in the past but the people you're up against now are loaded with far more potent and varied s4lts of mass destruction...

Peruvian Warm Spring, Himalayan Pink, Cyprus Silver Med, Pangasinan Star Phillipine, Turkish Black Pyramid are among the most potent in their arsenal...Up to 7x's stronger than standard US Kosher Salt.

You've got a lot more on your hands now than just one rogue lick. If you're gonna have any chance you're going to need my help. I want a full immunity order signed by the president and safe passage out of the country in return.

J4CK B4UER: No way, Nina. You're lying. There won't be any deals this time.

TONY OCE4N: Look J4CK, you might be right, but I don't think we can afford to risk it. I know how you must feel about this, but I need you to put that aside for now. She could have information we need to get to the rogue lick. And if what she's saying is true, we're gonna need her to get to these other s4lts before it too late.

J4CK B4UER: (grinding teeth down to s4lt) Fine. (Looks over to the Nina, looks back) But if she makes any funny moves, I WILL have the TAC-team run a train on her ass.

1 DONT KNOW HOW TO T3LL YOU TH1S J4CK...

TONY OCE4N: (looks away, looks back) Kims been salted.

Don't worry, we have her here in the CTU clinic. She's unconcious right now, but the doctors say she's gonna be alright.

She was out with some friends and she was served a sodiumited drink by a waiter. Fortunately she spit it out before she swallowed so there shouldn't be any permanent damage, but the sodium contact was still enough to knock her out.

Look J4CK, I know you didn't want Kim involved in this but thats probably exactly why whoever is behind this has tried to get to her. I think we should keep her here for now until we can get our hands on whoever is responsible for today's events.

J4CK B4UER: Dammit Tony, I asked you to keep her Safe!

S4LT 4LERT - L3VEL 1

B1LL BUCH4NAN: Alright, listen up everybody.

Theres been a lot of chatter on the network over the past hour so we're going on a level 1 s4lt alert. We don't think this is about the rogue salt lick, but another s4lting could be going down, maybe just as a diversion to pull our resources away from the main lick.

In any case, keep your eyes and ears open people. We don't know who or where this might hit.

M1CHELLE D3SSLER: Bill, I have the President for you on line 1...

D4VID P4LMER: I want you to keep me posted on this Bill. If there is any sort of salt incident do everything you can to keep it contained. If the press gets a whiff of this we'll have a lot more salt to deal with and we all need to keep focused on the main objective here: securing the rogue lick.

C4NCER S4LT

TONY OCE4N: Hey Michelle, I think we might have a situation.

I was going over the surveillance tapes and I think we have a leak. Look who got his hands on 4udry's files. C4ncer S4lt. You know, the guy who went to town on Namir with a hatchet. I wouldn't be surprised if he wants this crisis to go public, force the President's hand.

Can you keep an eye on him for me? Try to limit his access?...

(Pauses, looks away, looks back)

Oh, and, Michelle...uh...I don't know how to say this but..um..could you bend over and pick up that pen I dropped?

G3ORGE M4SON: Hey, what are you guys doing back here with the surveillance tapes? Didn't I ask for your shift reports like 20 minutes ago? Do you want me to get some replacements for division or can you follow protocol like I asked?

I TH1NK 1 KNOW WH6RE TH3Y M4DE 1T, J4CK

TONY OCE4N: This is a surveillance photo of brine being boiled condensed sodium at the Xinhai Well in Zigong, China.

WH6RE 1S TH3 S4LT L1CK NOW, TONY?

G3ORGE M4SON: I think it would be best if you stayed out of this J4CK. You're not up to s4lt on how things work around here now. Why don't you let us handle it, go get yourself some salty soup and don't worry about it, alright?

J4CK B4UER: Bulls4lt, M4SON. You need me for this. I'm the only one who can get you to that s4lt lick in time. Now, you can either let me do my job or you can let millions of people get s4lted on your watch. So what's it gonna be George?

ROGUE S4LT L1CK

TONY OCE4N: We have a situation. This highly potent salt lick has gone missing from a soviet stockpile. We need to locate it before it released into the water system of a major city or millions of people will die.

J4CK B4UER: I need to speak with the president!

TONY OCE4N: The President doesn't exactly know about this yet, Jack...

D4VID P4LMER: What's this I hear about a missing salt lick, Lynn?

WH4T 1S S4LT?

TONY OCE4N: Salt is a dietary mineral composed primarily of sodium chloride that is essential for animal life, but toxic to most land plants. Salt flavor is one of the basic tastes, an important preservative and a popular food seasoning. Salt for human consumption is produced in different forms: unrefined salt (such as sea salt), refined salt (table salt), and iodized salt. It is a crystalline solid, white, pale pink or light gray in color, normally obtained from sea water or rock deposits. Edible rock salts may be slightly grayish in color because of this mineral content. Chloride and sodium ions, the two major components of salt, are necessary for the survival of all known living creatures, including humans. Salt is involved in regulating the water content (fluid balance) of the body. Salt cravings may be caused by trace mineral deficiencies as well as by a deficiency of sodium chloride itself. Conversely, overconsumption of salt increases the risk of health problems, including high blood pressure.

D4VID P4LMER: My fellow Americans, it is important to recognize the power and potential of salt in our world.

The multiple chemical and physical properties of salt make possible 14,000 known uses. From the days of the cave men, humans have discovered ingenious means to use salt to enhance the quality of our lives. So valuable is this common mineral that wars have been waged and revolutions fought for access to salt.

Its largest use is largely invisible to the public: about 40% of salt worldwide is used as the raw material that chemical companies transform into chlorine and soda ash, the foundations of inorganic chemistry. Salt is a processing aid in innumerable industries and the means by which animal nutrition experts ensure the health and productivity of livestock and poultry.

We are all familiar with the salt shaker on the table in most of our homes. We less often think of the salt we use to regenerate our water softeners to protect the pipes and appliances in our homes. And seasonally, many of us give thanks for the salt that road maintenance crews apply to keep our cars, trucks and school buses safely on snowy winter roads.

With all of this in mind, you can understand the importance of ensuring the steady and regular flow of salt. I believe that we can ensure every American access to the salt he needs, while at the same protecting him from the volatile and dangerous salts produced in the covert salt refineries and sodium centrifuges of our enemies. This is my mission as your President and I will work tirelessly to achieve it.

Thank you, and may God s4lt America.